I don’t know what to do with myself or my time lately.. once my kids are off to school, the laundry is done, dishes washed, groceries purchased, beds made, floors swept… and sometimes NONE of those things are done, yet I still feel directionless even though there are obviously things to be done.
Off and on for years now, I would fill my time almost completely with a certain friend… if I wasn’t with her, I was thinking about her or arranging my week to be around her; To take her to get her errands done, to pick her up from work and take her home. To simply hang out.
I am a married woman with two kids, but my mind wasn’t on them that much, ashamedly. I have a great church full of amazing people that I only thought about on Sundays when I saw them at church. I am surrounded by wonderful people in my neighborhood that I avoided because I just wanted to spend time with my friend. Why??
She is a funny, free spirited person. But she is almost constantly downcast, and her life is a complete and total mess because of her poor life choices.
Because I am lonely? And she didn’t make me feel lonely anymore. She filled a vacant space that wasn’t being filled by my husband or kids or church family or neighbors. But why wasn’t my family or church or neighbors filling a loneliness in me? They love me and have always been there for me! Why did I still feel lonely in a crowded room of loved ones? Why did that feeling go away when I was around my friend?
For some reason, that lost person made me stop feeling lonely… but… I did start to feel irritable, angry, short tempered, unhappy, lazy, unmotivated, depressed, and a myriad of dejectedness the more time I spent with her. I felt worse than ever before.
Addiction is addiction, and that friendship was like a drug that was numbing some unpleasant feelings inside of me. But like with any addiction there were significant negative side effects that made me fall apart more each and every day.
So maybe loneliness wasn’t the problem.
And it occurred to me as I was on my knees before the Lord begging him to change my life; I was living a completely fruitless life. And as a Christian, that is a very empty feeling.
Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit, He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit, He prunes it so that it may bear more fruit. -John 15:2
My focus was on my friend. And that friendship was fruitless. And as painful as it was and still is, the Lord severed her from my life, praise to His holy and sovereign name!
So what do I do now? I am a wife and mommy… Friend, daughter, and neighbor. But I feel directionless, partly because an addiction/sin of mine has been severed from my life. And after 3 weeks now of me asking (begging) the Lord what am I to do now, He very clearly gave me an answer today.
He said this a bagillion years ago to Joshua about leading a nation, but His Word is living and breathing and current and He spoke to me today from Joshua 1:3-9…
Every place on which the sole of your foot treads, I have given it to you.
From the wilderness to the river to the Great Sea to the setting sun, I will be with you, I will not fail or forsake you.
Be strong and courageous.
Be careful to do all according to the law.
Do not turn from it to the right or left.
This book of law should not depart from your mouth.
[What should you do today, tomorrow, the next day?]
MEDITATE on my Word DAY and NIGHT.. [every day for awhile].. so that you may BE CAREFUL to do according to all that is written in it; for then you will MAKE YOUR WAY PROSPEROUS, and then you will have SUCCESS. I command, Be strong and courageous. Do not tremble or be dismayed [by how you feel]. For the Lord your God is with you always.
Thank you for my husband and kids, Lord! They are a gift every single day! Thank you for where I live, and for my church. I am blessed, please make me a blessing to them!
Thank you for being an ever faithful, God! I have failed and will fail again, but you my God never will.
For now, I will focus on you. I will do the tasks you have given me as a stay at home momma/wife, and when I feel directionless, I will run straight to Your Word.
I will sing Your praises day and night, in secret and to the world. And I will wait for whatever you have in store for me.
In Jesus’ name I pray with Thanksgiving, Amen.
And by the way, Let me just say this. Feelings are there for a reason, but they aren’t the whole truth. Living based on feelings is a sure way to fall into a downward spiral of despair. The whole Truth is what has been divinely written in Scripture, and feelings don’t always align with that. So no matter how we feel, we HAVE to believe the Word of God first. I felt alone and empty but that was a lie. I have precious people all around me and I was completely filled with the Holy Spirit the second I accepted Him in my life. My specific feelings of loneliness and emptiness were consequences of sin in my life. So I am thankful that those feelings were so prevalent because they brought me to the Lord in desperation to feel better. I am so sorrowful for my sins (I have confessed and have been forgiven) and honestly I still don’t feel great. I am not always gonna feel fantastic just because I am a forgiven Christian, but I will always have a Savior with me to get me through each and every high and low moment. And He will take these rough times and turn them into something good for me and glorifying to Him.