Lost. Found. Free.

​Two or so years ago you may have seen me in church on Sundays, wearing my “church smile,” but the truth was I had been living without regard for the Lord for a long time by that point, so I was anything but joyful. I had been living day after day without seeking the Lord with any part of my heart. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. -Jeremiah 29:13. But days became months without talking with my Savior, and months turned into a year. I was selfish and miserable, but He was still my Father, and I was still His daughter… I was just lost.

One day as I was on my knees before the Lord begging Him to change my life, it finally occurred to me that I had been living a life that was completely fruitless. I had put so much of my attention and effort into taking care of weeds that there was nothing left in me to give to the Vine! But without the Vine, there is no fruit. I am the Vine; you are the branches. If you remain in Me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from Me you can do nothing. -John 15:5.

I prayed that the Lord would change me and turn my focus back to Him. Every branch in me that does not bear fruit, He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit, He prunes it so that it may bear more fruit. -John 15:2. By the sounds of that, no matter what, and without much excitement I knew I was going to be enduring some pain. I also knew it was going to be for my good and for His glory.

As promised, The Lord ripped chains out of my life that were seemingly unbreakable; Chains that were like the locusts in Exodus 10 that devoured every plant in the fields and every fruit on the tree. I cried out and confessed my sin and pleaded with the Lord to take this death from me. The Lord responded by shifting the wind, and a strong west wind blew the locusts into the Red Sea. He set me free, just like He did with the land of Egypt. Just like He will with anyone who comes to Him with all their heart, no matter how dark the situation may be.

Now, a couple years later, I am so very thankful for the misery I felt back then. Even in the moment, I saw God’s hand in it, because the pain of living without Jesus in my daily life was what brought me back to my knees before the Lord. I have learned to kiss the wave that throws me against the Rock of ages. –Charles Spurgeon. Every slight ripple or raging wave is His grace, if it guides a lost sinner back to Him.

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Grieving the Locusts



In response to Exodus 10:13-19

Blinded to the Lord, I was resistant to change. I was resistant to even see Him. But He was right there beside me. He was within me, dwelling in silence to deaf ears and invisible to blind eyes. Yes, I was a stubborn, useless child.

But I am His little baby girl, and out of pure love, the Lord’s east wind brought locusts to gnaw their way through all my flesh. They were oppressive. They covered all the land with darkness. 

Regrettably, I became accustomed to the locusts, even treasured them as they slowly destroyed me. There was nothing fruitful left around me; the locusts ate everything that could flourish or blossom.

Although rebelliously comfortable, I was miserable enough that my eyes finally opened. I could see my sin. I could see how complacent I had been. I became aware of the danger all around me, and I begged Him for forgiveness. “O Lord, please take this death from me!”

The Lord’s mighty west wind swept the locusts away in a swift blow. They were swallowed up in the Red Sea; the sea that leads to the peaceful Land of Promise. Not one locust remained.

The sun began to shine again, and fruit began to grow. Peace filled the land, praise to His holy name. I was breathing again. I was living again.

Why then, Lord, am I still grieving the locusts?

Lord, forgive me for mourning what once stole my life. Even still, I thank You for bringing the locusts because they brought me to You, and more so I thank You for removing them. Thank You for showing me that You are the only thing worth treasuring. Take my life and use it for Your glory. In Jesus’ Name I pray with thanksgiving, Amen.

He will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born. He said it, and I believe it.

I don’t know what to do with myself or my time lately.. once my kids are off to school, the laundry is done, dishes washed, groceries purchased, beds made, floors swept… and sometimes NONE of those things are done, yet I still feel directionless even though there are obviously things to be done.

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Off and on for years now, I would fill my time almost completely with a certain friend… if I wasn’t with her, I was thinking about her or arranging my week to be around her; To take her to get her errands done, to pick her up from work and take her home. To simply hang out.

I am a married woman with two kids, but my mind wasn’t on them that much, ashamedly. I have a great church full of amazing people that I only thought about on Sundays when I saw them at church. I am surrounded by wonderful people in my neighborhood that I avoided because I just wanted to spend time with my friend. Why??

She is a funny, free spirited person. But she is almost constantly downcast, and her life is a complete and total mess because of her poor life choices.

Why then?

Because I am lonely? And she didn’t make me feel lonely anymore. She filled a vacant space that wasn’t being filled by my husband or kids or church family or neighbors. But why wasn’t my family or church or neighbors filling a loneliness in me? They love me and have always been there for me! Why did I still feel lonely in a crowded room of loved ones? Why did that feeling go away when I was around my friend?

For some reason, that lost person made me stop feeling lonely… but… I did start to feel irritable, angry, short tempered, unhappy, lazy, unmotivated, depressed, and a myriad of dejectedness the more time I spent with her. I felt worse than ever before.

Addiction is addiction, and that friendship was like a drug that was numbing some unpleasant feelings inside of me. But like with any addiction there were significant negative side effects that made me fall apart more each and every day.

So maybe loneliness wasn’t the problem.

And it occurred to me as I was on my knees before the Lord begging him to change my life; I was living a completely fruitless life. And as a Christian, that is a very empty feeling.

Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit, He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit, He prunes it so that it may bear more fruit. -John 15:2

My focus was on my friend. And that friendship was fruitless. And as painful as it was and still is, the Lord severed her from my life, praise to His holy and sovereign name!

………………..

So what do I do now? I am a wife and mommy… Friend, daughter, and neighbor. But I feel directionless, partly because an addiction/sin of mine has been severed from my life. And after 3 weeks now of me asking (begging) the Lord what am I to do now, He very clearly gave me an answer today.

He said this a bagillion years ago to Joshua about leading a nation, but His Word is living and breathing and current and He spoke to me today from Joshua 1:3-9…

He said,

Every place on which the sole of your foot treads, I have given it to you.

From the wilderness to the river to the Great Sea to the setting sun, I will be with you, I will not fail or forsake you. 

Be strong and courageous. 

Be careful to do all according to the law.

Do not turn from it to the right or left.

This book of law should not depart from your mouth.

[What should you do today, tomorrow, the next day?] 

MEDITATE on my Word DAY and NIGHT.. [every day for awhile].. so that you may BE CAREFUL to do according to all that is written in it; for then you will MAKE YOUR WAY PROSPEROUS, and then you will have SUCCESS.  I command, Be strong and courageous. Do not tremble or be dismayed [by how you feel]. For the Lord your God is with you always. 

………….

Thank you for my husband and kids, Lord! They are a gift every single day! Thank you for where I live, and for my church. I am blessed, please make me a blessing to them!

Thank you for being an ever faithful, God! I have failed and will fail again, but you my God never will.

For now, I will focus on you. I will do the tasks you have given me as a stay at home momma/wife, and when I feel directionless, I will run straight to Your Word.

I will sing Your praises day and night, in secret and to the world. And I will wait for whatever you have in store for me.

In Jesus’ name I pray with Thanksgiving, Amen.

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And by the way, Let me just say this. Feelings are there for a reason, but they aren’t the whole truth. Living based on feelings is a sure way to fall into a downward spiral of despair. The whole Truth is what has been divinely written in Scripture, and feelings don’t always align with that. So no matter how we feel, we HAVE to believe the Word of God first. I felt alone and empty but that was a lie. I have precious people all around me and I was completely filled with the Holy Spirit the second I accepted Him in my life. My specific feelings of loneliness and emptiness were consequences of sin in my life. So I am thankful that those feelings were so prevalent because they brought me to the Lord in desperation to feel better. I am so sorrowful for my sins (I have confessed and have been forgiven) and honestly I still don’t feel great. I am not always gonna feel fantastic just because I am a forgiven Christian, but I will always have a Savior with me to get me through each and every high and low moment. And He will take these rough times and turn them into something good for me and glorifying to Him.